humor and jokes

I am sure by now most of you are familiar with Botox - that lip smacking good stuff that women and some men are using on their faces. It seems it is most commonly used to enlarge the lips (around the mouth) and also to raise the cheeks (of your face) or remove unwanted facial lines and wrinkles. While we are on the subject, why is it that many of our words we use to describe parts of our faces used to describe other parts of our bodies that we generally cover up? Now, Botox is a temporary fix to some of our facial "deformities". It will only last for a limited time before it disappears. God only know where it actually goes but in our cleverness to find a more permanent solution, doctors have discovered that they can actually remove fatty tissue from around the buttocks area and inject it into needed places on your face. What I want to know is how ugly (butt ugly) is a person that putting their butts on their faces makes them better looking? I can hear it now, "Daddy! Is that person bent over or are they just ugly?" Man! Pretty soon we won't know if people are coming or going!

And speaking of ugly, I went into the supermarket the other day to get a few items and as I was waiting in the check-out line I noticed something that made me laugh hysterically. In the next line over a woman of perhaps her late thirties or early forties was painstakingly removing her items from her cart one at a time. Behind her and obviously annoying the hell out of her, was this crusty old man who looked like he hadn't bathed in months and that was verified when I finally caught a couple of whiffs of him. He watched the woman intently as she placed one item at a time up onto the conveyor belt. I can imagine what this woman was thinking because I was thinking some pretty cruel thoughts of my own as to how I would deal with the old SOB if he were behind me. Suddenly, as the woman neared the end of unloading her cart, the old man said to the woman, "You must be single!" I could see the expression on this woman's face that she was stunned that he had even spoken to her and she abruptly turned her back toward him. As I continued to observe thinking to myself, "What a rude and smelly old &#%!@!" Much to my surprise she turned back around to the old man and with half a smile on her face she said to him, " I am curious how you could tell that I wasn't married by the items that I had in my grocery cart?" "I couldn't!" the old man said, "It's because you are too ugly looking to be married to anyone!"

Archer Sidelinger was a dirt farmer from up in the northern part of Maine - up around the Patten area. He'd never been much farther south than Millinocket nor any further north than Ashland. Once, he got brave and traveled internationally. He went over to Houlton with his farming buddy, Eben Faulkenham and before Archer knew what was going on, Eben had whisked him across the Canadian border and turned around a come back. Archer was quite concerned that having traveled so far, he might not get back to milk the cows - you know there is a time difference there of 1 hour that really threw Archer for a loop.

Eben was a modern farmer you see and he spent most of his time trying to convince Archer that he needed to update his farm equipment and particular his milking machines and feeding stations. Eben's was all computerized and claimed it saved him thousands of dollars each year and his herd produced much more milk.

Of course Archer was quite skeptical about the whole thing but one day Eben convinced Archer to travel with him down to Bangor to attend a convention all about new farming equipment.

They checked in at the Four Points Sheraton in Bangor and while Eben was getting them registered Archer wandered over to to the far end of the lobby and observed in absolute awe as the walls on one side of the lobby split in two and people walked into a small room. Then the walls came back together again.

Archer watched this for some time wondering just where these people went. Sometimes the walls would open up again but the people that went in were gone. Soon a hunched over old woman walked up to the wall and pressed a round button. The wall divided one more time and she went in. Archer moved closer to get a better look. Within moments, the walls opened up again and out stepped a very young, attractive and well endowed blonde woman.

Just then Eben appeared and asked Archer what he was doing. Archer stood with his mouth mostly agape and somewhat drooling and mumbled to Eben, "I shoulda brought the wife."

The town bachelor from Oquossuc, named Norman was about to celebrate his 75th birthday when he surprised everyone one day and got married. The locals were completely astounded by this action and Arthur, his neighbor and longtime friend asked him, "Norman, why did you wait so long to get married? We all assumed at your age you would never tie the knot!"

"Well," said Norman. "The advantage to marrying at this age is quite simple, Arthur. If you get a bad one, you don't have to live with them too long!"

Herman Snodgrass who lived in Madrid, Maine got married one day. Herman was getting on in years and many thought he would never marry but he surprised everybody one day when he came home with a new bride.

The town folks were very gracious and courteous congratulating Herman in succeeding at finding himself a wife, but behind his back they were all talking about them. The discussions mostly surrounded the fact that his new bride seemed nice but she wasn't very good looking. They also was aware that Herman never went anywhere without his wife - even when he went to work. He would leave his wife out in the car all day long while he was at work.

Many passed it off as just two people being in love and that they couldn't be away from each other for very long but after 10 years of marriage nothing had changed. Herman still never went anywhere without his wife.

One day Bill Benson who owns the hardware store in town see Herman come into his store alone. Bill walked over to Herman and asked him where his wife was - surprised that she wasn't with him in the store. Herman told Bill she was waiting for him in the car.

This was Bill's chance so he asked Herman why he never went anywhere without his wife. He said, "Don't you miss having some time to yourself, boy? Don't you miss a night out with the fellas, boy?"

"Well, Geez, Mr. Benson," said Herman. "She so danged ugly looking, I'd rather take her with me than kiss her goodbye!"

Virgil came in the front door the other day from doing the chores and he no sooner got his cow-pooped boots over the stoop when Florena told him to go fix the outhouse.

"They ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse. I was in it this morning," said Virgil.

So Virgil put on his coat and headed for the the outhouse. When he got inside he looked around a bit and then yelled back at the house, "They ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse, Florena!"

"Just stick your head in the damned whole and you'll see what the problem is," she demanded.

Reluctantly and slowly, Virgil stuck his head down into the hole and looked around but he saw nothing. When he attempted to bring his head up out of the hole, his beard got stuck in the crack of one of the boards. "Florena, come help get me outta this damned hole! My beard is stuck in the crack!" Virgil yelled.

Ed and John lived on opposite ends of town and ironically both worked on the other side of town. Every morning and every evening for 43 years Ed and John would meet somewhere near the center of town and for 43 years it was the same story. "Mornin' Ed. Mornin' John" This took place every morning and every evening. No more said than "mornin'".

One morning as the two men were heading to work they met and a strange thing happened. "Mornin' Ed. Mornin' John. Say Ed, my horse is sick." "Give him turpentine. I did." said Ed. "Thanks, Ed."

For a week after that it was back to the same old routine - day after day after day until one morning a strange thing happened. "Mornin, Ed. Mornin', John. Say Ed, My horse died." "Ayuh, so'd mine."

Virgil and Florena were making their yearly pilgrimage to the BIG city and when they got down to Lewiston they had to stop and get some gas. Virgil pulled his truck up beside the pump and before he could get out, the service station attendant met him at his truck door.

"What can I do for you folks today?" asked the attendant. Virgil replied, "I need some gas I guess." About that time Florena speaks up real loud you see and says to Virgil, "What did he say?" Virgil very patiently explained to Florena that the service attendant was asking him what he needed.

"How much gas do you need? asked the attendant. "Well, I guess I need 'nuff ta git to Portland and back home." said Virgil. Florena interrupted very rudely one more time with, "What did he say?" Virgil answered back a little louder this time, "He wants to know how much gas we need."

"Gimme five dollars worth." Virgil told the attendant and the attendant asked, "Can I check your oil?" Very rudely once again, Florena yells at Virgil, "What did he say?" Virgil, losing his patience with Florena this time yelled back and said, "He wants to check my oil!"

"Where you folks from?" inquired the attendant and Virgil said, "Andover". The attendant quickly told Virgil that he met a woman one time from Andover and she was a pain in the ass. "What did he say? asked Florena one more time to which Virgil yelled right back at her and said, "He says he's met you before!"